The hardest thing.
The hardest thing was the fear that gripped me two minutes after the positive pregnancy test.
The hardest thing was learning to trust God. Again.
The hardest thing was not even being able to bring myself to look at baby girl's first and second set of ultrasound pictures. And having no idea where they are now.
The hardest thing was telling people.
The hardest thing was being labeled 'high risk- multi miscarriages + 2nd tri miscarriage.'
The hardest thing is watching people I love lose their precious babies. And knowing.
The hardest thing is feeling betrayed by my own body and not trusting it. To not marvel at the miracle it is working right now.
The hardest thing is sitting in the OB waiting room surrounded by happy pregnant people with no worry about what their appointment might bring. Every time.
The hardest thing is listening to people due around the same time as me make plans and talk about the future…. while I'm too afraid to.
The hardest thing is the guilt I feel about not planning for her future or not being excited or enjoying every moment of my pregnancy with her.
The hardest thing is watching a two year old boy grow closer and closer to his sister every day, already loving and protecting her fiercely, and just begging God to let him meet her.
The hardest thing is the battle of faith and fear inside my heart.
The hardest thing is learning to trust God. Again.
Learning to trust that all He has for me is good. Even when it hurts, even when it's ugly, even when it doesn't look good at all- ALL He has for me is good.
He's been working this lesson in my heart for some time now and reminding me to lean into Him when I can't do it on my own.
He teaches us that all our days our numbered. Whether we get to keep our babies just 16 weeks in our womb, just a few short years this side of heaven, or if we get to watch them grow up and grow old- all of our days are numbered. No matter how long or short that number, as much as I love my sweet babies, He loves them even more.
When my now two year old was a newborn, I worried so much, so much, about SIDS. We had waited so long for that sweet boy and I had a hard time trusting that God would let me keep him. One day I realized once I stopped worrying about SIDS, I would be worrying about furniture falling on him, a car running him over, middle schoolers hurting his feelings, him behind the steering wheel, him going off to college, etc, etc, etc. The list of worries never ends as our children grow older. We can add to them and multiply them times infinity if we want to. But the worry won't change the fact that God has got this. And God is trustworthy. And God is good.
The hardest thing… no…. the thing is, I'm learning to let go of the fear and learning to trust God. Again.
'Faith is not about what I believe God is going to do for me to change my circumstances. It is about what I believe about God, in spite of my circumstances.' God is good. When He gave us our precious son, He was good. When He cares for our babies in Heaven, He is good. When He gifted us with hope again in our sweet baby girl, He is good.